I stopped and looked around.
I found something new in myself. Some type of new emotion, a more genuine appreciation of life in a way. I have been trying to explain it but no concrete answers yet.
So the conversation about death comes up. I cringe when I hear death. Not anymore. Death is where it all ends, supposedly, so to me the most logical thing to do is live. I am not talking about the typical travelling, or jumping off a plane bullshit. I am talking about finding what you really truly for yourself enjoy doing. I found some of those things. The fear of the death is gone because there is no more passing through life, but actually experiencing it.
I have been reading a book about the meeting between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, who got together for a week to celebrate Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday. A journalist joined them and documented their conversations. They talk about positive energy and how they channel their own energy, about death and pain, about love. All the ups and downs of life and the most important thing about it is that it happens inevitably and we need to learn to live with it. The two spiritual leaders have some great advice on channeling your energy and turning bad experiences into learning points.
Last week I did some kind of meditation, half intentionally I guess, but I ended up being able to channel my energy and what I learned is that physical pain is purely an emotion. The adrenalin rush was so high, but after relaxing physically, something in my mind also switched. It felt like I was laying on a cloud. It felt like I escaped reality.
All of this makes me happy. It’s not only one moment of happiness, its also not an end point. It’s a process.
There it goes, one of my long anticipated projects is finally taking off. Some of you already know as I have been talking about it for I don’t even know how long anymore. Due to extremely full schedules we had to postpone our ‘launch’.
Anyway, AIDAROV studios, is a project I have been working on with a close friend of mine and art academy graduate Emil Aidarov. He had already started the process when I saw his work and wanted to join the team. And so our collaboration began.
Why am I telling you this now? Because we worked on creating a website for us and we are launching it today! And here is a link to it – aidarovstudios.wordpress.com
AIDAROV is a brand that incorporates a few different philosophies. Firstly, our products are all made of high quality silk. Second is art, the art of hand painting on silk, in which we get better with every product we make. And third but not last, women. We love women, we love their bodies, we love their faces, we love their personalities. Our scarf collections are based on women. Every collection will portray a certain woman that has inspired us and her face as well as some of her body parts will be painted. Our clothing collection has a bit more freedom to it, we are working with silk as well as hand painting, and is concept is indirectly connected with the scarves.
We do not have set dates of upcoming collections, we are constantly working and the moment something is ready you will see it on our website and social media. Under the post you can find links to our social media pages as well as our website.
Ok, so I’ve been watching this show ‘No Tomorrow’ and I wouldn’t say that it led me to the thoughts that I am about to express, because I have been living by the same moto for some time now but it encouraged me to talk about it. (even more yes)
So plotline in short – hot Australian guy has a theory about the world’s end and is trying to make the most of the time that is left on Earth. Falls in love with an uptight girl and is teaching her how to live life basically. Not gonna spoil more of it, my main focus is the end of the world factor and living life. So they write this Apocalist …
I remember when I was a teenager I got this idea of living abroad and it just always stayed with me, something that I had to do. Fortunately my parents supported me in that idea and there it is, moved to the Netherlands. Now I’m gonna cross that one of my ‘apocalist’.
If you don’t know me, I am the type of person who says ‘Let’s go!’ and does not stop or look back. I make decisions quickly, I would say I do not regret 95% of them, because what I regret even more is things that I haven’t done. Now, last year I was confronted that I am selfish for choosing over my dreams/apocalist instead of love. But I am in love with my dreams.
My parents used to tell me ‘You have gone there to study, don’t be too distracted with love’… Love is not a distraction, its the real fucking thing. I loved and was loved. I don’t regret any moment of it. That was and always will be on my list, probably as #1. Be in love.
Point is, even though it ended I did manage to cross off a lot of things of my list (love itself including) and I was lucky enough to have someone by my side doing them. And you know how people say, yea but if its not shared its not real happiness BLA BLA BLA, bullshit. There’s so much I’ve done by myself that has made me happy. I’m definitely gonna talk about the norms of society and why are we taught to think that you cannot lead a happy life as a person without a loved one.
Getting way out of topic and at the same time not really. What I mean is that it doesn’t matter how much you have left of your life, live it. Don’t wait for tomorrow, don’t save what you have to say. Have a first time of something as often as you can. Try different activities, that you have always wanted to try. Meet new people, have fun. I don’t want to be someone who says ‘Oh, maybe I should have done that’ and neither should anyone else be that person.
That really felt like I was giving one of those motivational speeches for depressed people or something. I just want everyone who reads this to feel as inspired and have as much fun with life as I do. I hope I at least made you think about it!
I’m gonna go dance now. It’s Friday.
I was gonna talk about the things that I am in love with but then I started writing and it turned out way too long so I decided to post them separately. What I wanted to do with this post was to say that no, I am not in love with a person but I do feel in love. I have never in my life felt so calm and content and I am not just happy but in love with that feeling.
I am also in love with those rainbows on the pages of my book. I am in love with the sound of piano while falling asleep.
I am in love with the view from my window.
In the back you see a beautiful 19th century house, which is a museum and close to it is the top of the Nicolaï kerk. Then theres a park, which is still quite green even at this time of the year. I love the architecture and the whole landscape and like to pretend that the canal is kind of a wall between me and the beautiful houses and their park, where women with gowns are sipping champagne all day. I don’t necessarily want to join them, because I am also fascinated by all the bikers that go pass my house. It’s a relatively busy street so a lot of people rushing to work in the morning. I like to see them rush. It’s funny because you don’t always know if they are enthusiastic about their job or are they running late because their job is so shitty that there’s no will power to get ready on time. Or maybe they just like biking fast.
Then later in the day a lot of kids with their parents, as well as tourists, who are I would suppose just taking a walk in the neighbourhood . Then in the night there are all these young people, drunken singing and on their way to more fun, hopefully.
Aside all the bikers there are the sidewalk people. They pass by and there isn’t almost anyone who does not dare to look. It’s way too interesting, there I am, sitting on my chair, facing the window, writing this. Kids always stop and take a second to see what’s happening and most of the time they can’t walk away because we start smiling to each other and it’s just way too much fun.
I think now you think I sit at the window and stare at people all day everyday. Not really, maybe once a day and then I have it. Because I can see the world moving but I am safe and still at home at the same time. Sometimes I sit on the stairs in front of my house and enjoy a cigarette. It’s the best when it rains. There’s a shelter so I sit on the dry stairs and look at that beautiful view on the other side of the canal. In silence. Listening to the rain. If I wasn’t having a good day taking that moment for myself would change the situation. Take it all in. You would be surprised how much energy there is in the air. You just have to be able to assimilate it.
It doesn’t happen very often but sometimes I catch the sunset and then my room becomes pink and I just keep looking outside.
I have been gone too long and in that time I learned a great deal. I am back here to write about some of it, to tell you the story of how my life has changed recently and talk about the future. I am gonna jump into the deep, and I will be very honest about my happiness as well as my darkness.
People keep asking me where do I see myself in 10 years. In order to answer that question I first need to know where I am now. Do you know where you are now?
I had the unfortunate (still quite fun) but also pretty heavy situation of having to work next to my studies, and I like to blame the lack of internships on it. How am I supposed to do free work and build up my resume when someone has to pay my rent eventually. I also don’t tell people about my blog anymore, when they find out about it and ask me why I don’t keep publishing, well it gets really hard when I have a 30 hour work week and still need to visit classes and study. Next to that I have a social life and need to build my contacts as well, right?
Anyway, I wanted to talk about the last few months. About the fact that I started loving myself for who I am and started choosing for myself. Things have changed in a way that I decided to quit a toxic relationship and take some important steps in my life. In the past few ‘free’ months I took time to reevaluate decisions that I have already made but also think about the ones that are about to be taken. I have always believed that when I get older I would only have the job I enjoy and it makes me happy but life happens and then you just have to deal with it.
Everyone who thought that I will be working in fashion, no I am not. I am working as a bartender and I love it, special beers became my hobby and it has opened a whole new and different world for me. I have met so many new people, many of them have stayed friends through my ‘accidental’ hobby.
Currently I have undertaken a lot of projects, and the thing I am very happy about is that I am so conscious about each one of them and what can I learn that for me that is already the first step. What I can say for now is that I am working on a fashion related project with a talented friend of mine and we are about to launch our website in the coming week. You could check out our Facebook page – AIDAROV. It has been a project in the making for some time now and even though I blamed its postponing on my busy schedule, truth is I was not inspired enough. Now I feel full of passion and inspiration and slowly but steadily we hope to create something beautiful out of it.
I haven’t given up my dream to work in fashion but what I realised is what I mentioned in the beginning of this article – where am i now? I am obviously not talking about my geographical location but the stage in my life on a more personal level.
I feel like I have a lot to talk about, a lot of realisations, a lot of plans and whole lot of love. I am not giving any promises and coming up dates for my publications. I will be back when I am. Because life must not happen on schedule and I don’t know where the hell will I be in a week or two or in 10 years.