There’s a lot I can say about the past year. However nothing
new for the people who know me. One adventure after
another. The only thing is that this past year I experienced
everything so different than before. It’s like I started over. I
remember vaguely my other life before this one. A few
times I found pieces of it, from the past life, but they seemed
so forgotten that I just dropped them and kept going. So many
first times as well as last ones. First time knowing me. I learned
to genuinely love, myself and others. I fell in love with Paris
again, this time it was very pure, very familiar, very easy. And
now I am falling more and more in love with Amsterdam. The
most peaceful moment of my day at the moment is when I
bike back from work through Utrechtsestraat, under a row of
Christmas lights. And I don’t like Christmas. I love the lights
only on that street and no matter where I am I will try to bike
on that street in the evening.
One of the best days of the year I was sitting alone on a quiet
beach of west side of Ibiza, reading The Book of Disquiet. Or that
other day when I was walking through the Tulleries and listening
to Rachmaninov, setting an intense and overwhelming situation
for myself. And then later, sitting in the Thalys and questioning
my choices, Simone de Beauvoir dropped it on me. The answer to
my all summer long dilemma was provided only 2 weeks before
the end of my trip…
And of course a good amount of lovers and a better amount of
friends were a constant in this year’s affairs. I can’t say I feel
blessed because come on, you get to choose your friends so
obviously if you choose poorly it’s on you. However I feel
incredibly lucky I met some beautiful people and I would like to
keep them for sometime. I feel like all these love lines should be
more poetic than what I have written but Jerry Seinfeld’s voice
in my head keeps saying that poetry is just a careful selection of
words, which don’t make you laugh at the end. And I want to
make you laugh at least a little.
As far as 2018 goes, I am happier than ever with the person I am
becoming. There are no particular resolutions on my mind. I just
hope there’s going to be good music to play while jumping into
new realities. I hope everyone’s year was also full of adventures
and if not, well then it’s about time you do something about it.
Tuesday night. Alfama. The old city of Lisbon. We are listening
to live fado in an extremely crowded restaurant, but that is how
you are supposed to experience it. We walk outside for a cigarette
with a wine glass in hand. Easy. Sky full of stars. I can hear the sound
of the waves somewhere in the distance.
Fernando Pessoa once walked these streets. This place stayed his world
no matter how far he travelled. The gallery across the corner sells paintings
made from red wine and coffee. A lot of the paintings are of Pessoa. I can’t
understand much of what the Mongolian man, the owner, is saying but he is
making us step outside to show us something. Apparently the man who used
to wash Pessoa’s shoes used to live next door.
Earlier today I heard the legend of Luis de Comoes, who was on a boat, which
crashed in the sea so he swam to the shore with one hand above water
holding his poems. Supposedly he saved them. He lived opposite of the gallery
we were standing in.
I live for moments like this.
So many different types indeed.
Deep. Passionate. Comfortable. Crazy. Unconditional.
I love love.
I am in love.
With everyone and no-one.
But my heart breaks everyday.
Violence. Pain. Fear.
But mostly the fear of being alone.
Not my fear, but the fear I see in people, close to me.
It really breaks my heart and brings me to tears.
She keeps writing love letters and blabing on about how she is the best version of herself when with him.
Who is she without him then?
How is this beautiful? A love, in which two people are complete only when together.
Who are they without one another?
Do you really feel like you are half a human?
Why are you so scared to be with yourself?
Being alone is not being with yourself.
I mean the real one, the one that felt love and loss.
Why are you scared to dig in?
Feelings, I know. Annoying.
Now dig deeper.
Let me know when you find love.
Ok, so I’ve been watching this show ‘No Tomorrow’ and I wouldn’t say that it led me to the thoughts that I am about to express, because I have been living by the same moto for some time now but it encouraged me to talk about it. (even more yes)
So plotline in short – hot Australian guy has a theory about the world’s end and is trying to make the most of the time that is left on Earth. Falls in love with an uptight girl and is teaching her how to live life basically. Not gonna spoil more of it, my main focus is the end of the world factor and living life. So they write this Apocalist …
I remember when I was a teenager I got this idea of living abroad and it just always stayed with me, something that I had to do. Fortunately my parents supported me in that idea and there it is, moved to the Netherlands. Now I’m gonna cross that one of my ‘apocalist’.
If you don’t know me, I am the type of person who says ‘Let’s go!’ and does not stop or look back. I make decisions quickly, I would say I do not regret 95% of them, because what I regret even more is things that I haven’t done. Now, last year I was confronted that I am selfish for choosing over my dreams/apocalist instead of love. But I am in love with my dreams.
My parents used to tell me ‘You have gone there to study, don’t be too distracted with love’… Love is not a distraction, its the real fucking thing. I loved and was loved. I don’t regret any moment of it. That was and always will be on my list, probably as #1. Be in love.
Point is, even though it ended I did manage to cross off a lot of things of my list (love itself including) and I was lucky enough to have someone by my side doing them. And you know how people say, yea but if its not shared its not real happiness BLA BLA BLA, bullshit. There’s so much I’ve done by myself that has made me happy. I’m definitely gonna talk about the norms of society and why are we taught to think that you cannot lead a happy life as a person without a loved one.
Getting way out of topic and at the same time not really. What I mean is that it doesn’t matter how much you have left of your life, live it. Don’t wait for tomorrow, don’t save what you have to say. Have a first time of something as often as you can. Try different activities, that you have always wanted to try. Meet new people, have fun. I don’t want to be someone who says ‘Oh, maybe I should have done that’ and neither should anyone else be that person.
That really felt like I was giving one of those motivational speeches for depressed people or something. I just want everyone who reads this to feel as inspired and have as much fun with life as I do. I hope I at least made you think about it!
I’m gonna go dance now. It’s Friday.
I was gonna talk about the things that I am in love with but then I started writing and it turned out way too long so I decided to post them separately. What I wanted to do with this post was to say that no, I am not in love with a person but I do feel in love. I have never in my life felt so calm and content and I am not just happy but in love with that feeling.
I am also in love with those rainbows on the pages of my book. I am in love with the sound of piano while falling asleep.
I am in love with the view from my window.
In the back you see a beautiful 19th century house, which is a museum and close to it is the top of the Nicolaï kerk. Then theres a park, which is still quite green even at this time of the year. I love the architecture and the whole landscape and like to pretend that the canal is kind of a wall between me and the beautiful houses and their park, where women with gowns are sipping champagne all day. I don’t necessarily want to join them, because I am also fascinated by all the bikers that go pass my house. It’s a relatively busy street so a lot of people rushing to work in the morning. I like to see them rush. It’s funny because you don’t always know if they are enthusiastic about their job or are they running late because their job is so shitty that there’s no will power to get ready on time. Or maybe they just like biking fast.
Then later in the day a lot of kids with their parents, as well as tourists, who are I would suppose just taking a walk in the neighbourhood . Then in the night there are all these young people, drunken singing and on their way to more fun, hopefully.
Aside all the bikers there are the sidewalk people. They pass by and there isn’t almost anyone who does not dare to look. It’s way too interesting, there I am, sitting on my chair, facing the window, writing this. Kids always stop and take a second to see what’s happening and most of the time they can’t walk away because we start smiling to each other and it’s just way too much fun.
I think now you think I sit at the window and stare at people all day everyday. Not really, maybe once a day and then I have it. Because I can see the world moving but I am safe and still at home at the same time. Sometimes I sit on the stairs in front of my house and enjoy a cigarette. It’s the best when it rains. There’s a shelter so I sit on the dry stairs and look at that beautiful view on the other side of the canal. In silence. Listening to the rain. If I wasn’t having a good day taking that moment for myself would change the situation. Take it all in. You would be surprised how much energy there is in the air. You just have to be able to assimilate it.
It doesn’t happen very often but sometimes I catch the sunset and then my room becomes pink and I just keep looking outside.