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Before I go

From horizon to horizon the sky was unbroken spread of stars.

No, it’s not the cosmos, and no, it isn’t an Olaf Stapleton book, it’s my bathtub and it’s the last time I lay in it. The stars in it is the glitter of the bath bomb I bought from Lush. You would be surprised how far these colours can take your imagination.

Now it’s just me, the deep blue water with its sparkles and the piano of Ludovico Einaudi in the background.

I close my eyes and dive back in the water. All of a sudden it hit me. I almost had a pre-death experience. That feeling of ending one life and starting a new one, the same feeling I had 13 months ago when I moved into this house. There I was, literally diving in my memories. I see every single person who took part in my life through the last year. Friends, family, lovers. I have been dreading having to leave the home I created here in so short but I also still believe that the moment something or someone become so convenient or comfortable then it is probably right moment to move on, basically before it all goes to shit.

The dramatic violin starts and I turn on the flush. The bath is slowly emptying out and my body emerges from above. My space and the stars that come with it are gone, however I feel very empowered. Some of the glitter has stuck on my skin and that I know are the stars that will stay in my orbit, now matter where I am. I am ready not only to create another space for me but to go on crazy intergalactic journeys.

I have packed my bags and I am moving out, funny thing is I don’t actually have a new home yet. I am gonna go have a beer before I catch the train to Amsterdam, who knows maybe I will meet some new stars on the way.

Summer 2017 video

This video pretty much talks for itself, so no need of description. This summer is the first time I went travelling alone and I loved it and can’t wait to do it again. I do have to admit i didn’t spend more than a few days alone after all and had fun with friends and met so many new people. For some reason I have only one video with a friend here, but I guess I enjoyed filming the landscapes more. I also ended up writing and reading quite a lot so some new content coming up your way!

p.s. I only got the idea of putting together a video after a few weeks of being away and now when I look at it, it is exactly how I imagined my vacation would be.

12.24 a.m.

The walls are naked. White. My memories are gone. All of my polaroids are gone. The cards I like to pick up from museums in different countries. The paintings. Not that I need a reminder but I like to look at everything that is on my wall and remember clearly extracts of my life. Now they are laying inside a box. Waiting to be brought to another house where they will be hung on another wall and things will be in balance again.

One piece of art is left. Her. A face of a goddess. Leaning on the wardrobe, she is staring at me with her big dark blue eyes. It’s almost as if she understands how I feel at this moment. I don’t think she is able to remember much either. So we just look at each other in silence.

It’s 12.24 a.m. and the room is getting darker and darker. I almost can’t recognise the goddess features anymore and it’s getting harder to focus on which line of the book page I am. I am reading ‘Love is a dog from hell’ from Bukowski. I could turn on the light and resume or wait for the rain to stop and the blue sky to show up. I chose the second. I remember a guy I was seeing a few years ago, he was a big fan of Bukowski. Now I understand him.

It’s light again.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

 

I stopped and looked around.

I found something new in myself. Some type of new emotion, a more genuine appreciation of life in a way. I have been trying to explain it but no concrete answers yet.

So the conversation about death comes up. I cringe when I hear death. Not anymore. Death is where it all ends, supposedly, so to me the most logical thing to do is live. I am not talking about the typical travelling, or jumping off a plane bullshit. I am talking about finding what you really truly for yourself enjoy doing. I found some of those things. The fear of the death is gone because there is no more passing through life, but actually experiencing it.

I have been reading a book about the meeting between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, who got together for a week to celebrate Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday. A journalist joined them and documented their conversations. They talk about positive energy and how they channel their own energy, about death and pain, about love. All the ups and downs of life and the most important thing about it is that it happens inevitably and we need to learn to live with it. The two spiritual leaders have some great advice on channeling your energy and turning bad experiences into learning points.

Last week I did some kind of meditation, half intentionally I guess, but I ended up being able to channel my energy and what I learned is that physical pain is purely an emotion. The adrenalin rush was so high, but after relaxing physically, something in my mind also switched. It felt like I was laying on a cloud. It felt like I escaped reality.

All of this makes me happy. It’s not only one moment of happiness, its also not an end point. It’s a process.

AIDAROV studios

mememe

There it goes, one of my long anticipated projects is finally taking off. Some of you already know as I have been talking about it for I don’t even know how long anymore. Due to extremely full schedules we had to postpone our ‘launch’.

Anyway, AIDAROV studios, is a project I have been working on with a close friend of mine and art academy graduate Emil Aidarov. He had already started the process when I saw his work and wanted to join the team. And so our collaboration began.

Why am I telling you this now? Because we worked on creating a website for us and we are launching it today! And here is a link to it  – aidarovstudios.wordpress.com

AIDAROV is a brand that incorporates a few different philosophies. Firstly, our products are all made of high quality silk. Second is art, the art of hand painting on silk, in which we get better with every product we make. And third but not last, women. We love women, we love their bodies, we love their faces, we love their personalities. Our scarf collections are based on women. Every collection will portray a certain woman that has inspired us and her face as well as some of her body parts will be painted. Our clothing collection has a bit more freedom to it, we are working with silk as well as hand painting, and is concept is indirectly connected with the scarves.

We do not have set dates of upcoming collections, we are constantly working and the moment something is ready you will see it on our website and social media. Under the post you can find links to our social media pages as well as our website.

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