2018 is already peaking. Only 3 weeks ago I had no idea
we would get the chance to meet so soon again. And here
I am. Back in my beloved Lisbon.
Warmth in January is an unknown concept for me. I need
We are staying at the Hotel Imperial. I walk into our room
and pull the curtains. A 180 degree view opens in front of
of the Praca dos Restauradores. I feel like I am in a movie.
3 years ago when I first visited Lisbon I never thought it
would have so much impact on me – Pessoa, fado, Alfama,
the portuguese sun. There’s a copy of Pessoa’s poems on the
nightstand. It’s in portuguese but I like going through the
It gets even better from here. Sitting on the little french
balcony while the sun is slowly going down. I can still see
the beautiful pink buildings across, specifically the EDEN
theater. I have probably passed this place 20 times but it
didn’t make an impression on me for some reason. My
name is Raya, means paradise, Eden.
It’s the small things, the coincidences that make our lives
a bit more romantic and magical.
I find myself constantly engaging with love.
I think about love.
I talk bout love.
I read about love.
Falling in and out of it. So different every time.
And quite literally falling in it.
Sometimes I kind of predict the trap and run away before I fall.
But I also don’t mind. Nobody seems to mind.
I love staring in people’s eyes, but I don’t seem to be able to look into yours.
I feel so shy at once. It’s like if I give you access to my eyes You might see something,
you are not necessarily allowed to see.
So I keep kissing you with my eyes closed.
Bukowski ones said that love is a dog from hell. To be honest I love dogs and I don’t
really believe in heaven or hell. But then again I am quite curious about how
hell would look like. Shouldn’t be that bad, right?
From horizon to horizon the sky was unbroken spread of stars.
No, it’s not the cosmos, and no, it isn’t an Olaf Stapleton book, it’s my bathtub and it’s the last time I lay in it. The stars in it is the glitter of the bath bomb I bought from Lush. You would be surprised how far these colours can take your imagination.
Now it’s just me, the deep blue water with its sparkles and the piano of Ludovico Einaudi in the background.
I close my eyes and dive back in the water. All of a sudden it hit me. I almost had a pre-death experience. That feeling of ending one life and starting a new one, the same feeling I had 13 months ago when I moved into this house. There I was, literally diving in my memories. I see every single person who took part in my life through the last year. Friends, family, lovers. I have been dreading having to leave the home I created here in so short but I also still believe that the moment something or someone become so convenient or comfortable then it is probably right moment to move on, basically before it all goes to shit.
The dramatic violin starts and I turn on the flush. The bath is slowly emptying out and my body emerges from above. My space and the stars that come with it are gone, however I feel very empowered. Some of the glitter has stuck on my skin and that I know are the stars that will stay in my orbit, now matter where I am. I am ready not only to create another space for me but to go on crazy intergalactic journeys.
I have packed my bags and I am moving out, funny thing is I don’t actually have a new home yet. I am gonna go have a beer before I catch the train to Amsterdam, who knows maybe I will meet some new stars on the way.
This video pretty much talks for itself, so no need of description. This summer is the first time I went travelling alone and I loved it and can’t wait to do it again. I do have to admit i didn’t spend more than a few days alone after all and had fun with friends and met so many new people. For some reason I have only one video with a friend here, but I guess I enjoyed filming the landscapes more. I also ended up writing and reading quite a lot so some new content coming up your way!
p.s. I only got the idea of putting together a video after a few weeks of being away and now when I look at it, it is exactly how I imagined my vacation would be.
The walls are naked. White. My memories are gone. All of my polaroids are gone. The cards I like to pick up from museums in different countries. The paintings. Not that I need a reminder but I like to look at everything that is on my wall and remember clearly extracts of my life. Now they are laying inside a box. Waiting to be brought to another house where they will be hung on another wall and things will be in balance again.
One piece of art is left. Her. A face of a goddess. Leaning on the wardrobe, she is staring at me with her big dark blue eyes. It’s almost as if she understands how I feel at this moment. I don’t think she is able to remember much either. So we just look at each other in silence.
It’s 12.24 a.m. and the room is getting darker and darker. I almost can’t recognise the goddess features anymore and it’s getting harder to focus on which line of the book page I am. I am reading ‘Love is a dog from hell’ from Bukowski. I could turn on the light and resume or wait for the rain to stop and the blue sky to show up. I chose the second. I remember a guy I was seeing a few years ago, he was a big fan of Bukowski. Now I understand him.
It’s light again.