Tuesday night. Alfama. The old city of Lisbon. We are listening
to live fado in an extremely crowded restaurant, but that is how
you are supposed to experience it. We walk outside for a cigarette
with a wine glass in hand. Easy. Sky full of stars. I can hear the sound
of the waves somewhere in the distance.
Fernando Pessoa once walked these streets. This place stayed his world
no matter how far he travelled. The gallery across the corner sells paintings
made from red wine and coffee. A lot of the paintings are of Pessoa. I can’t
understand much of what the Mongolian man, the owner, is saying but he is
making us step outside to show us something. Apparently the man who used
to wash Pessoa’s shoes used to live next door.
Earlier today I heard the legend of Luis de Comoes, who was on a boat, which
crashed in the sea so he swam to the shore with one hand above water
holding his poems. Supposedly he saved them. He lived opposite of the gallery
we were standing in.
I live for moments like this.
So many different types indeed.
Deep. Passionate. Comfortable. Crazy. Unconditional.
I love love.
I am in love.
With everyone and no-one.
But my heart breaks everyday.
Violence. Pain. Fear.
But mostly the fear of being alone.
Not my fear, but the fear I see in people, close to me.
It really breaks my heart and brings me to tears.
She keeps writing love letters and blabing on about how she is the best version of herself when with him.
Who is she without him then?
How is this beautiful? A love, in which two people are complete only when together.
Who are they without one another?
Do you really feel like you are half a human?
Why are you so scared to be with yourself?
Being alone is not being with yourself.
I mean the real one, the one that felt love and loss.
Why are you scared to dig in?
Feelings, I know. Annoying.
Now dig deeper.
Let me know when you find love.
From horizon to horizon the sky was unbroken spread of stars.
No, it’s not the cosmos, and no, it isn’t an Olaf Stapleton book, it’s my bathtub and it’s the last time I lay in it. The stars in it is the glitter of the bath bomb I bought from Lush. You would be surprised how far these colours can take your imagination.
Now it’s just me, the deep blue water with its sparkles and the piano of Ludovico Einaudi in the background.
I close my eyes and dive back in the water. All of a sudden it hit me. I almost had a pre-death experience. That feeling of ending one life and starting a new one, the same feeling I had 13 months ago when I moved into this house. There I was, literally diving in my memories. I see every single person who took part in my life through the last year. Friends, family, lovers. I have been dreading having to leave the home I created here in so short but I also still believe that the moment something or someone become so convenient or comfortable then it is probably right moment to move on, basically before it all goes to shit.
The dramatic violin starts and I turn on the flush. The bath is slowly emptying out and my body emerges from above. My space and the stars that come with it are gone, however I feel very empowered. Some of the glitter has stuck on my skin and that I know are the stars that will stay in my orbit, now matter where I am. I am ready not only to create another space for me but to go on crazy intergalactic journeys.
I have packed my bags and I am moving out, funny thing is I don’t actually have a new home yet. I am gonna go have a beer before I catch the train to Amsterdam, who knows maybe I will meet some new stars on the way.
This video pretty much talks for itself, so no need of description. This summer is the first time I went travelling alone and I loved it and can’t wait to do it again. I do have to admit i didn’t spend more than a few days alone after all and had fun with friends and met so many new people. For some reason I have only one video with a friend here, but I guess I enjoyed filming the landscapes more. I also ended up writing and reading quite a lot so some new content coming up your way!
p.s. I only got the idea of putting together a video after a few weeks of being away and now when I look at it, it is exactly how I imagined my vacation would be.
The walls are naked. White. My memories are gone. All of my polaroids are gone. The cards I like to pick up from museums in different countries. The paintings. Not that I need a reminder but I like to look at everything that is on my wall and remember clearly extracts of my life. Now they are laying inside a box. Waiting to be brought to another house where they will be hung on another wall and things will be in balance again.
One piece of art is left. Her. A face of a goddess. Leaning on the wardrobe, she is staring at me with her big dark blue eyes. It’s almost as if she understands how I feel at this moment. I don’t think she is able to remember much either. So we just look at each other in silence.
It’s 12.24 a.m. and the room is getting darker and darker. I almost can’t recognise the goddess features anymore and it’s getting harder to focus on which line of the book page I am. I am reading ‘Love is a dog from hell’ from Bukowski. I could turn on the light and resume or wait for the rain to stop and the blue sky to show up. I chose the second. I remember a guy I was seeing a few years ago, he was a big fan of Bukowski. Now I understand him.
It’s light again.